Thursday, June 25, 2015

Here Was I

here was i:

here was i in a muddle. not more than 10 seconds ago the thought lost. by no means cursed with poor memory but still agitated by this loss, a loss that made me feel i was losing my mind and not just a fragment of mental tissue, i felt done under, under the way i should be on, under a cloud of discontent and misfortune.

the struggle to remember has waylaid me often, a simple game of hopscotch showed me the way, a way that has found me often in tenuous circumstances, the mainstream of life and its glories bypassing me in a stroke it would seem.

the course of time is like a tide struggling against the headwind of the past. when the new is lost, what time period would it seem?

perhaps the struggle only engenders thoughts about the difficulty in mind and is not particularly helpful. the way ahead is fortuitously guided, like it or not, by the warnings of past mistakes, perhaps better in some cases by the glories of the past won.

CLEARCHARGE

Friday, June 19, 2015

Slakest Thy Thirst

slakest thy thirst:

of nectar bold, of the fountain of immortality and youth, slakest thy thirst, drinkest now, give me life immortal, that's really how the line goes! derived from all this culture, we have the vampire legend of today, someone who cannot leave this earth. it is well known.

they put that a vampire sleeps abnormally. how does say, a guy or girl over 120 years old, who only looks 17, live on earth? how does he or she lie about his or her age? because it's not normal is it, should it come out?

and while vampire legend permeates the entertainment media, we have the question, what exactly qualifies as vampire, because the legend is differentiated by different accounts? do they even eat? or do they just drink? drinkest of the finest, eat of the tastiest, silence the impatience within and without.

relate that to the popular notion of ghost. some houses seem haunted, haunted by that which happened, that that defined life lived at them. are vampires ghostly? do vampires haunt the streets, more aware of history, more subtle in negotiating their way in life, more circumspect about life and its problems? the legend permits all kinds of culture about magical transformation. they, the vampires, present continuity of power and allow tradition to continue.

CLEARCHARGE

Before It All Happens

before it all happens:

"when i was a boy, i never drank coffee, i never drank tea, now look at me, cup after cup, you know. what i thought was true forever when i was a little kid stopped when i was like fifteen."

"you became a total cynic! me, i stopped believing all that when i was thirteen, really, just a teenager to begin with. i wasn't a princess anymore, i didn't live in a castle, you know, i felt i had to grow up."

"that's what i'm saying. i'm only forty something but it's like i've had several lifetimes already, really like what it was at kid level, when i was young, that life and all its expectations totally died. it completely cut off at eighteen, a whole new life starting. i still recognize the child in me, i'm not saying it's gone completely."

"right. but it's different for me, i had hopeless really what could only be called fantasies about life. i didn't fully believe them even as a little girl. that's my problem."

"why's it like that? are you saying i'm more realistic? i'm not more realistic, i don't think. what i'm saying is, it seemed like the whole world changed, you know, the 1970s were different, the atmosphere changed to what it is now."

"yeah, but did it really change or have you changed? that's the question. or both which is probably the true answer."

"right, yeah, okay, but i don't think i've changed. maybe i was delusional as a kid and that's the change. like you say you've changed but i don't think you've really changed not all the time i've known you. you're still the same."

"but you didn't know me when i was seven or eight years old!"

"true, but how different could you be?"

"different. i drink coffee now. there are so many choices, coffee houses, coffee shops, cafés. when is tea going to be like that? it's like there are more coffee places than bars. when will there be, you know, tea houses, tea shops, tea bars maybe?"

"you know, after i've had so much coffee, it all tastes the same to me. i'm disturbed by a lot of things happening that i feel i'm unprepared for, that i couldn't see coming. it's like life is peaceful for a while and then boom!, it all happens. all at once. good things, bad things."

"it's crazy. you have no way of knowing when it will happen or how you will react."

CLEARCHARGE

Long Division in Mathematics

long division in mathematics:

it seems that when one number is divided by another the result up top could continue with no end in sight after the decimal point, especially when you divide a prime number by another prime number, say 17/19.

the immediate question is whether this result up top continues to infinity. can you keep writing? some of the numbers up top become an eventual repeat after a certain point surely? because if at some point in the calculation when you subtract after writing down the next number up top and performing that multiplication giving you the remainder the same as before at the bottom, surely then from then on the numbers up top are a series repeat while the first few numbers may not be?

divide an even number by an even number, say 8/16, is much easier. most prime numbers are odd.

CLEARCHARGE

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Opposing Meaning

opposing meaning:

time and space may make the difference in meaning! in the here and now it causes a problem to have an opposition in the mind. to deconstruct what they may be about, their meanings, is to examine and amplify what the opposing meaning is about.

i am big, yeah!, compare to a six year old boy. understand that often things are relative to someone else, argument put forth on how to action forwards, debate on what to do, what is the best way, what is the most popular?

even a mistake in thinking is an opportunity to figure out what is going on in your own mind!

CLEARCHARGE

Monday, June 15, 2015

Social Work and Play in School

social work and play in school:

nursery school at the Rosebank at the age of three to four, the first day little remembered, then learning numbers, how eight was written, naps after lunch, play in the playground, waiting after the finish. the first day of school at Cavendish is clearer, name tags, the name of the teacher.

who gets along with who? who follows who? trouble in the second year, accusations, boys upset. rainy day, what to do at lunchtime? the long afternoons, struggling in English, waiting for schoolday to finish. the importance of the teacher's name and title, birthdays, writing about the weekend past.

knowing boys' names, speaking your mind, remembering who talks to who, all very uppermost in his mind. food was a big deal, what you had for recess, whether you drank milk and what kind, white or chocolate? how to get out of fluoride tablets? gossiping about other boys' parents, family, the teacher's daughter. did life ever really change?

what did you want to be? what could you do? follow interest on the school playground, make an effort in class, humour the teacher about what you did last weekend!

CLEARCHARGE

Friday, June 12, 2015

The End of Academic

the end of academic:

at top, at the summit of his formal academic life, he passed at eighteen from school to university. then his confidence collapsed! was he not interested? interest is what motivates at university.

in June 1990, 2 weeks to memorize the subject, up early the morning of the exam, slightly desperate but still confident. he was unprepared for the creative academic life. university demands creative thought in the end, a capacity to learn and the ability to create.

July 1990, after the last exams, the most free time at school ever. it was not compulsory to be there after A Levels, though he was not the only one who opted to be present. the last day, something he had always imagined, passed rather slowly. other boys' family, seen for the first time, a dread about the future at university.

A Levels, can you remember the terms, the vocabulary? GCSE, are you studying from the right materials? Special Papers, can you calculate, given the right info? is that the difference at university, you have to have your own ideas?

he found the pressure at university, social, financial, and academic, and his studying, shaped his ideas about career. well, the direction he got there remains, whilst that of school was vague. he liked to read, he liked to think more was possible in the world. he was admitted to read Mathematics & Economics. he read American novels from the college library. he neglected so much of the course materials, he avoided tutorials and lectures, it was no surprise he found the exams so hard. it did have one benefit though, for one paper on interest rates for tutorial, he wrote as he saw the subject, not what was taught at all, and passed.

the whole problem of academic life is that ideas run out at some time, the professional academic is supposed to be full of ideas and ways of putting things, the whole thing of dissertation, papers, books. the pressure is on to formulate a new way of thinking about the subject, not merely to rehash that from other sources, plagiarism the big no no of academia. what is the young academic to do? there are only so many ways of rewording passages or adding filler to reach the minimum limit of words required!

note that there are three components to academic, creation, memorization, and calculation. GCSE seemed to be about memory, A Levels about the last, and university about the first. they are not the same thing!

the collapse, in his mind, of not only interest, but also the feat of calculation in mathematics, affected him all the summer after the First Year, he had to resit in August. if only interest had been sustained!

CLEARCHARGE

The Trap and Style of Misadventure

the trap and style of misadventure:

of the young viscount, perhaps just 17 to 19 years old, now of the age to explore and experience the continental pleasures heard of and read about in youth, all exciting and foreign, exotic and heady, it is a case that, exposed to the harshness of travel and spun round by different phrases heard elsewhere, it might seem that it was unprepared and lacking in foresight. of misadventure, was it always a trap for gilded youth?

from his household, cavalier and ready, it sets off, sure in step, lusty and hungry for adventure. whom will she or he meet? will it change life forever? lady J. do make an appearance here, lord J. verily do meet all comers. in an instance of chance, go for the sure thing surely? and two days on, a sharp difference in atmosphere, hope that all is well back home.

one of the luxuries of being abroad is that warm bed, comfy and soft, in which you can collapse without thought for deadline and timetables. the food is new, it tastes richer than at home.

all the while whilst the young viscount is people watching, it becomes a case that it too is an exhibit in town, exotic meet and cheery talk. what of your home? what of your business?

the open way is the best way. the popular way is too. actually, the problem, on return, is readjusting to home life, all seems pallid and dry. the trip of a lifetime is over.

CLEARCHARGE

The Flow of History

the flow of history:

as to what history is, is it the facts of time, a chart of conquest and discovery, a dry list of events? like religion and myth and legend, popular history is often askew with details of personality, great and small, tales of adventure and high risk, power and presence, literated with drama and foretold of jealousy and envy, spite and revenge, ambition and duress.

what we have today of ancient history, of Egypt, Greece, China and England, the mythology of Roman and Norse hue, the panoply of great figures of legend, is not to be confused with facts of things that actually transpired. imagine a king of England, long ago, how did she or he conquer the realm? with its culture magically transported through the mist over the country? of battalions of haste and fortune, giving away all the wealth of the monarchy? of Greek myth with her heroes, Theseus, Perseus, Jason, Heracles or Hercules, Odysseus, all on adventure and discovery, aided sight unseen by powerful presence. of Amun Ra, father of Egypt, and of Thor, with the magical hammer, and of China, with its heroes fighting the odds.

onto premodern history then with its communities, early education and manufacturing, manuscripts and lettering, design and thinking about mechanics. and finally modern history, people actually meet different. and working systems, the sum becomes greater than the total of the parts, synergy, rhythm, and the new and the bold.

all the while, everyone wonders how everything really works. the imagination is wild, ambition is untamed. the false is discarded, therefore the past seems thin, what went down the wrong path is covered up and hidden. the decision is made whole in a new direction.

CLEARCHARGE

Thursday, June 11, 2015

The Line of Contact

the line of contact:

good vibes, in tune, in resonance with, call it what you will, once established a line of contact, like a psychic wire, formed of like least bits of matter, makes a connexion and effects communication, allowing a stream of data particles to pass from one zone to another in real space.

it varies as one formation, maintaining near integrity throughout. how does it form? a line of attack may falter at a short distance if at the other end it is different, but similarity at both ends allows a line of contact to be built.

the network grid of lines of contact may change fast, connexions are lost, sometimes slow to be rebuilt. there is, if you like, a web of psychic wiring connecting reality, ever changing, dissolving and reforming, all the time.

CLEARCHARGE

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Right on the Way

right on the way:

"what's been going on is, i want to do it, but i don't know how? you know. nobody's telling me anything, like how to do this, how to do that. what i need is..."

"don't say it. we've heard this a thousand times. it's not going to get any better like this, is it?"

"what do you mean it's not going to get any better? come on!"

"how do i know? you're right on the way, man, but you need to hurry up. picture this, who you're thinking of, it's a pretty picture, right? how do you fit into that picture, you know what i'm saying? you, as yourself, how does that fit?"

"what are you saying? i should get in the picture?"

"right! it's all about you, not somebody else."

CLEARCHARGE

Hit on the Thought

hit on the thought:

what makes us think? a million volt charger in our heads? we may have a generator ourselves, we may be reliant on what others have generated, or we may be carried by the field of "culture particles" in the cloud around us, invisible and inaudible, yet which promote thought. call it the cloud, or the Nebula, or the atmosphere, the mood, or the zeitgeist.

what is rude? what is temperamental? denial of our present ego? everyone wants the truth, however, the form it hits us might be unpalatable.

if we were to carefully deconstruct thought, what is related to image, what is related to sound, what is related to emotion, and so on, we might aspire to thinking greatness! the nasty, the good, the fine, the happy! for the conscious mind is a delirious, volatile person, fast to change, quick to build.

when we have exhausted the easy free thinking, it often helps to alter the frame, to introduce an entirely new component, to attach it to the present complex, and so by dismiss something old.

posit that a mere fact, like my name is such, is rather almost an abstract construct, facts about my life, passed through the conscious mind, do not define what i am very well, perhaps. to deconstruct my name, well, what if everyone has heard my name before? we have an opposition here, what if there are a million people who have heard my name? i am not other people!

CLEARCHARGE