Don't Miss the Basis of Talk

don't miss the basis of talk:

to each there is a personal value system, what you think are good things and what you think are bad things. of course this doesn't need much explanation. on one end of the scale of bad things is total irrevocable death, though of course, not having truly died, no one would know what this is, if even possible. hopefully not! on the other end of good things, things like immortality, magical powers, health, pleasures, avoiding physical damage, knowledge of all things and so on...

"so at the time, i just thought, i don't think i get along very well with this person, you know, and not much more. i didn't examine it. that's what came to mind, and then i dismissed it. it didn't really seem to matter. but now, i wonder, why don't people like each other? or when they do, why?"

"because when they like each other they have things in common and in the other case very little or nothing?"

"right, that's what everyone says. but that's just a little piece of the puzzle, coming from a mental angle where you're thinking, like, what do they do together? anything? that's about shared activity. but what's more fundamental, if you approach the problem towards the base, is that every one of us has in the past put a value on everything. it pops up into conscious thought now and then, but i mean, it's always there in the subconscious, and especially when we're talking to someone we've just met or don't know very well, it's completely what we're thinking about."

"so we're judging each other constantly in the beginning? so i guess that's why we're nervous sometimes."

"it's like we've each assigned a numerical value to everything, positive or negative, positive is good and negative is bad. so in the beginning, it's a case like where two wary animals are sniffing around each other, each trying to figure out the other's value system. we're trying to find agreement. and then everything else follows on from that. but that is the basis."

"i'm visualizing psychic feelers we're putting out."

"right, but it's done through talking, or at least let's look at it that way. i say something, and even if i'm not, you know, intentionally doing it, i'm implying what value that thing has for me. it's inescapable."

"so every time it goes wrong, it's because of a mismatch of personal values?"

"that's my argument. and you can see how the phrase "nothing in common" is derived from that. it's like my values determine my life vector and if someone else's values are different enough, we diverge paths and go our separate ways."

"so two strangers meet for the first time in a public place. is it fate? it's because they share some of the same values?"

"exactly. they like the same food, for example. they end up in the same aisle or the same restaurant."

"or they both read the same article in a newspaper. they're thinking the same thing. they end up in the same place."

"so it's like a game, in a sort of way, you need to find something that is the same, or a few things the same. then there is something to talk about. in a way, you lose when you reveal a harsh difference."

"but does it really matter?"

"well why do people talk? curiosity about other people. what's going on, what to do? reassurance that people are the same in some way. but they also want to know things. i mean, everyone's looking for answers, right? so if you can fulfil at least some of that, that's not half bad?"

"i guess so."

CLEARCHARGE

Talking Major Pitfalls

talking major pitfalls:

between strangers, or even good friends, but generally with those whom we do not know well or may be quite different from under the surface, there is always one thing to bear in mind, that is, any conversation may be, in actuality, beneath perhaps the most disarmingly polite conversation on top, a constant probing to evaluate each other's personal value systems, what they hold dear, what they want, what they do not want, and what they hate. it is often a harsh truth that those with different values cannot get along. optimists might say that people have more in common that not, but consider that even a few differing values, though seemingly trivial perhaps, may be a deal breaker in any relationship of any depth.

for those who love to talk, for the sake of talking in itself, are perhaps most likely to forget this vital fact of life. i am certain i am not the first to tell you that many relationships break up because the parties want different things. this makes it apparent that want is very important. for the talkative person, conversation is some form of art even perhaps. they may not necessarily talk that much about what they really want or need. maybe they just like the sound of their own voice! but as for the other person, they may be trying to analyse what the person wants exactly from what he or she says. you say, "such and such is..." they might interpret that as meaning literally you really want such and such, whereas that is neither the case nor the intention.

let us consider everything that brings up negative emotions such as hate, anger and fear, as things people do not want. likewise, a conversation may be a test in the same way, what they think is bad. now people do think the same way sometimes, with the same patterns. bad is, in itself, often thought to be a bad thing to talk about, so people are even less direct sometimes about it. however, as many think along the same lines, even the most indirect, subtly far removed remark from the other person could be understood as a mark of contempt. people are highly alert to what is valued as bad and an entirely innocent remark may be misinterpreted to mean that you judge such and such as a bad thing.

now talking may seem endlessly hazardous to the paranoid and the shy, even that differences too great could lead to hostility, or indifference at best, but where the parties must be connected or at the same place as fate decrees, there is at least plenty to talk about nowadays without revealing the differing personal value systems that might lead to conflict. we may not have, as optimists believe, more in common than we think, but at least we do have some things the same about which we can talk.

CLEARCHARGE

Talk As Pinball Minefield

talk as pinball minefield:

if conversation were as a game, like pinball, the focus of our thoughts the ball, and our words the paddle, some of the board would be minefield, for talking is not without risk. of course, it has its rewards. it satisfies personal curiosities, communicates truths, validates beliefs, makes clear what is happening and what could happen, and may bring about happiness and wellbeing.

where it goes wrong it induces hate, anger, sorrow or fear, perhaps in that very order. it is all very well to say, "oh everyone's the same", but truthfully, everyone's mind is mapped at least a little differently. everyone has a unique value system. cynically, if everyone wants different things, or even perhaps the same thing but to a different degree, what are they doing together? on the other end of the scale, into the negative, there are things people do not want, or even fear or hate. the difficulty lies in that, in a real sense, words do not mean exactly the same thing to other people, they are not connected to the same ideas, concepts and experiences as in your own mind. when i say word X, i am thinking of ideas B and M, for instance, but it may trigger someone else to think of ideas Y and F. F might be something unpleasant.

and because we are driven by want, people may assume that what we casually mention, we actually want, even if this is not true or the purpose of what we say. it is not exactly about being direct or indirect, there are different manners of speaking, some speak in an emotionally loaded way, everything closely connected to their own worldview, what they want, fear or hate or what makes them angry or sad.

to reveal acute differences in value systems would usually be thought of as a loss but then again perhaps talk is only a form of art, nice when it goes well, but not a matter of life and death. even if only some common ground is found, it is in some sense a success.

CLEARCHARGE

A Note of Discord

a note of discord:

there were four of discord
to agree without hesitation was not the case
two were fearful
one was forceful
and the other silent
not that they differed on intention
but only in the execution
varying values of importance
where attention once held
so focus lay
and so set in alarm at conflict
in discussion
but together were they
and fearful became all four
but resolution came
in modifying their aims
so four became one
the same
and forward they went

CLEARCHARGE