here was i:
here was i in a muddle. not more than 10 seconds ago the thought lost. by no means cursed with poor memory but still agitated by this loss, a loss that made me feel i was losing my mind and not just a fragment of mental tissue, i felt done under, under the way i should be on, under a cloud of discontent and misfortune.
the struggle to remember has waylaid me often, a simple game of hopscotch showed me the way, a way that has found me often in tenuous circumstances, the mainstream of life and its glories bypassing me in a stroke it would seem.
the course of time is like a tide struggling against the headwind of the past. when the new is lost, what time period would it seem?
perhaps the struggle only engenders thoughts about the difficulty in mind and is not particularly helpful. the way ahead is fortuitously guided, like it or not, by the warnings of past mistakes, perhaps better in some cases by the glories of the past won.
CLEARCHARGE
Showing posts with label memory. Show all posts
Showing posts with label memory. Show all posts
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
What I Remember Most
what i remember most:
it was a shock, for i never expected that from anyone. while even recent memory becomes stained, what you said is imprinted on my mind. there was talk, i remember that, however the one thing you said to me is what i remember most.
you were at ease then, happy to develop and discuss ideas and stories. the concept of action is always fuzzy to begin with, the way it looks is what concerns most. of course how it sounds is critical too. we don't live in a world of silence. planning for the future when so far away always seemed a haphazard process, but of course, many things are inevitable.
why is it we can only remember clearly perhaps only one statement from any conversation? is it because it was shocking? or made us happy?
patience is a virtue. timing is important. but what is remembered is that what you said came to pass, in full fruition.
CLEARCHARGE
it was a shock, for i never expected that from anyone. while even recent memory becomes stained, what you said is imprinted on my mind. there was talk, i remember that, however the one thing you said to me is what i remember most.
you were at ease then, happy to develop and discuss ideas and stories. the concept of action is always fuzzy to begin with, the way it looks is what concerns most. of course how it sounds is critical too. we don't live in a world of silence. planning for the future when so far away always seemed a haphazard process, but of course, many things are inevitable.
why is it we can only remember clearly perhaps only one statement from any conversation? is it because it was shocking? or made us happy?
patience is a virtue. timing is important. but what is remembered is that what you said came to pass, in full fruition.
CLEARCHARGE
Saturday, June 28, 2014
The Unique Memory Trace
the unique memory trace:
when the thinker is active, the mind at its most conscious, it is easy to forget what you were thinking only a short time ago. when thoughts race through the mind hopping from one subject to the next, we find short term memory limited. it is not uncommon to forget thoughts from only ten seconds ago. on the other hand, we have clear memories of some things that happened years, even decades ago. we remember the mood and atmosphere of the time, what we were thinking, what we were doing then.
for time is not a linear, one dimensional journey where the future must be different from the past, rather, much of time is made up of cycles, things that repeat. we wake up, do what we do in our waking lives, go to sleep, dream and wake up again. we have habits. but are these memorable things? what do we remember?
when we think about the past few years, it is rather the things that were new at the time that we remember clearly, that stand out. it is the new flavour at the time, so to speak, that we remember, be it a mood, certain thoughts, or what we did. whatever it was, it left a unique trace in the memory. so therefore our memory is biased towards the new thing of the time. what is old and oft repeated holds no strong association to any time.
CLEARCHARGE
when the thinker is active, the mind at its most conscious, it is easy to forget what you were thinking only a short time ago. when thoughts race through the mind hopping from one subject to the next, we find short term memory limited. it is not uncommon to forget thoughts from only ten seconds ago. on the other hand, we have clear memories of some things that happened years, even decades ago. we remember the mood and atmosphere of the time, what we were thinking, what we were doing then.
for time is not a linear, one dimensional journey where the future must be different from the past, rather, much of time is made up of cycles, things that repeat. we wake up, do what we do in our waking lives, go to sleep, dream and wake up again. we have habits. but are these memorable things? what do we remember?
when we think about the past few years, it is rather the things that were new at the time that we remember clearly, that stand out. it is the new flavour at the time, so to speak, that we remember, be it a mood, certain thoughts, or what we did. whatever it was, it left a unique trace in the memory. so therefore our memory is biased towards the new thing of the time. what is old and oft repeated holds no strong association to any time.
CLEARCHARGE
Saturday, June 7, 2014
What of Memory If There Is Change?
what of memory if there is change:
it is a characteristic problem in dreams that everything changes so fast that you lose things. i have a recurrent kind of nightmare where for example i am about to travel in a plane, but i've lost my passport or something else i had earlier. the world of dreams is very unstable. however, in contrast, the world of waking life seems very stable and almost permanent, but is it?
the very essence of time is that things change. you may argue that time is most real in dreams, where everything changes fast. and if things change can anything last? can you have reliable mental memory or material records that we trust will not become corrupted in time?
if i wrote something in a book in a dream, i would not be surprised if either the entry changed soon after or even if the entry or book disappeared later never to be seen again. however, in waking life, there was a time when i would be surprised if a book changed magically overnight and a passage disappeared, because i thought the world was more stable than it is. but that's time, if something were truly to stay the same, then time could not be real.
now all this is worrying, i fear my memory is at best only a partially true record of the past, where there are cases where vivid memories have been conflated and i think events happened at the same time but didn't, where some details are now false and never happened, where if the past had certain flavours to it, the flavours of my memories are now mutated, and so on. and why is this so? because time slowly destroys memory through change.
i admit to a minor crisis, where my memory does not quite agree with material records, paper and electronic. logically it's easy to say, well, either your memory is wrong or the records are, or perhaps even both, but they can't both be right at the same time. the confusion is real and disturbing. if my memory is that wrong, i'm in big trouble. if paper or electronic records have mutated to something inaccurate, then they are unreliable and lying to me.
and you then think, if only there weren't so much change, nobody can remember it all! and if material records are subject to inevitable change as well, naturally, and are therefore unreliable, what then? from experience, living randomly and impulsively leads to fragments of memory which are hard to piece together a few years later. one of the biggest problems is conflation of bright memories, and where you assume that other events, less well remembered, happened then or there as well, when they didn't. this is pretty much the case a few years afterwards. however i think that very many years later, your memory is cleaned out somewhat and what's left tends to be true and the confusion is gone, even if only because lots of other memories have been lost.
on reflection it seems that anyone who does a lot is simply not going to remember much. if you really wanted to keep memory organized you would have to devise some kind of repetitive schedule at the very least, like fish on Fridays, then you could say, well, it was a Friday, so then i probably had fish.
CLEARCHARGE
it is a characteristic problem in dreams that everything changes so fast that you lose things. i have a recurrent kind of nightmare where for example i am about to travel in a plane, but i've lost my passport or something else i had earlier. the world of dreams is very unstable. however, in contrast, the world of waking life seems very stable and almost permanent, but is it?
the very essence of time is that things change. you may argue that time is most real in dreams, where everything changes fast. and if things change can anything last? can you have reliable mental memory or material records that we trust will not become corrupted in time?
if i wrote something in a book in a dream, i would not be surprised if either the entry changed soon after or even if the entry or book disappeared later never to be seen again. however, in waking life, there was a time when i would be surprised if a book changed magically overnight and a passage disappeared, because i thought the world was more stable than it is. but that's time, if something were truly to stay the same, then time could not be real.
now all this is worrying, i fear my memory is at best only a partially true record of the past, where there are cases where vivid memories have been conflated and i think events happened at the same time but didn't, where some details are now false and never happened, where if the past had certain flavours to it, the flavours of my memories are now mutated, and so on. and why is this so? because time slowly destroys memory through change.
i admit to a minor crisis, where my memory does not quite agree with material records, paper and electronic. logically it's easy to say, well, either your memory is wrong or the records are, or perhaps even both, but they can't both be right at the same time. the confusion is real and disturbing. if my memory is that wrong, i'm in big trouble. if paper or electronic records have mutated to something inaccurate, then they are unreliable and lying to me.
and you then think, if only there weren't so much change, nobody can remember it all! and if material records are subject to inevitable change as well, naturally, and are therefore unreliable, what then? from experience, living randomly and impulsively leads to fragments of memory which are hard to piece together a few years later. one of the biggest problems is conflation of bright memories, and where you assume that other events, less well remembered, happened then or there as well, when they didn't. this is pretty much the case a few years afterwards. however i think that very many years later, your memory is cleaned out somewhat and what's left tends to be true and the confusion is gone, even if only because lots of other memories have been lost.
on reflection it seems that anyone who does a lot is simply not going to remember much. if you really wanted to keep memory organized you would have to devise some kind of repetitive schedule at the very least, like fish on Fridays, then you could say, well, it was a Friday, so then i probably had fish.
CLEARCHARGE
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Errors in the Matrix
errors in the matrix:
i borrow the term "matrix" from the films but what i mean is that life here on Earth cannot be quite what it seems, that the material world is somewhat illusory. some of these errors in the matrix are obvious, like when you teleport, as happened to me in Durham, England, in 1993 and 1994, or when you suddenly skip a short distance ahead when you're walking, a mini-teleport, if you will. that happened to me, my father and sister in the underground lobby of the Louvre, in Paris, in 1998. these are clear visual mistakes, things that go against the rules of movement in the matrix. the audio mistakes are more subtle, like when you can bend the lyrics of a song to what you are thinking, when your mind takes over what you're hearing.
but there are other things less obvious. if you're careful, and observant, and your memory is good enough, you will notice other errors. first of all, in my experience, text, what you see on a printed page, is not reliably permanent, is actually unstable. there are instances where i'm sure the print has changed. for example, the first time i read a certain novel, there was a certain passage i remember which i couldn't find again on rereading it. it had disappeared. i am talking about the same book, not reading a copy of a later edition. i've found discarded railway and Underground tickets in London dated in the future. railway timetable boards have changed instantly in front of me. recently, looking through old credit card statements yesterday, something else has come to my attention. now in my memory i bought Sony earphones at Bluewater, in Greenhithe, in 2009, but i also remember after that i found the unopened earphones package with the receipt one day and the receipt was printed showing the transaction as being at the Sony store in Orpington, so after that i assumed my memory was wrong and that i had actually bought it there, not at Bluewater. but now the credit card statement confirms that it was bought at Bluewater in May, 2009. now i have not bought so many Sony earphones that i have confused them with another. i can only conclude that the matrix, the Earth system, had the actual source record for the receipt corrupted or mutated to show false details.
now things like this make you think you are losing your mind perhaps, or that your memory is faulty. but if your memory is correct that means the text has changed, and that you can never rely on text to stay the same. it is fortunate that i've seen text change instantly in front of me or i would keep questioning my memory, assuming that the text couldn't change.
and another thing i've noticed and i've read about elsewhere on the web on glitches in the matrix, but am not sure about, is seeing people walk past me twice. now i wasn't paying attention to where they were all the time exactly, but am i seeing repeats?
as someone with the diagnosis of schizophrenia, i am expected to hallucinate and i do know i do hallucinate. you see where this leads, hypothetically? if i hallucinate, am i hallucinating everything? everything and everyone on Earth? am i totally alone in my own world of hallucinations? once the error in the matrix becomes obvious, becomes apparent, you instinctively move mentally to dismiss the entire world as a falsity. this is extreme, but a natural reaction.
CLEARCHARGE
i borrow the term "matrix" from the films but what i mean is that life here on Earth cannot be quite what it seems, that the material world is somewhat illusory. some of these errors in the matrix are obvious, like when you teleport, as happened to me in Durham, England, in 1993 and 1994, or when you suddenly skip a short distance ahead when you're walking, a mini-teleport, if you will. that happened to me, my father and sister in the underground lobby of the Louvre, in Paris, in 1998. these are clear visual mistakes, things that go against the rules of movement in the matrix. the audio mistakes are more subtle, like when you can bend the lyrics of a song to what you are thinking, when your mind takes over what you're hearing.
but there are other things less obvious. if you're careful, and observant, and your memory is good enough, you will notice other errors. first of all, in my experience, text, what you see on a printed page, is not reliably permanent, is actually unstable. there are instances where i'm sure the print has changed. for example, the first time i read a certain novel, there was a certain passage i remember which i couldn't find again on rereading it. it had disappeared. i am talking about the same book, not reading a copy of a later edition. i've found discarded railway and Underground tickets in London dated in the future. railway timetable boards have changed instantly in front of me. recently, looking through old credit card statements yesterday, something else has come to my attention. now in my memory i bought Sony earphones at Bluewater, in Greenhithe, in 2009, but i also remember after that i found the unopened earphones package with the receipt one day and the receipt was printed showing the transaction as being at the Sony store in Orpington, so after that i assumed my memory was wrong and that i had actually bought it there, not at Bluewater. but now the credit card statement confirms that it was bought at Bluewater in May, 2009. now i have not bought so many Sony earphones that i have confused them with another. i can only conclude that the matrix, the Earth system, had the actual source record for the receipt corrupted or mutated to show false details.
now things like this make you think you are losing your mind perhaps, or that your memory is faulty. but if your memory is correct that means the text has changed, and that you can never rely on text to stay the same. it is fortunate that i've seen text change instantly in front of me or i would keep questioning my memory, assuming that the text couldn't change.
and another thing i've noticed and i've read about elsewhere on the web on glitches in the matrix, but am not sure about, is seeing people walk past me twice. now i wasn't paying attention to where they were all the time exactly, but am i seeing repeats?
as someone with the diagnosis of schizophrenia, i am expected to hallucinate and i do know i do hallucinate. you see where this leads, hypothetically? if i hallucinate, am i hallucinating everything? everything and everyone on Earth? am i totally alone in my own world of hallucinations? once the error in the matrix becomes obvious, becomes apparent, you instinctively move mentally to dismiss the entire world as a falsity. this is extreme, but a natural reaction.
CLEARCHARGE
Saturday, February 22, 2014
The Problem of False Memory
the problem of false memory:
of course, ideally, we'd like memory, what there is of it, to be true, but inevitably some of it is false, perhaps only a little part even, but that is enough to make us uneasy, if not question whether we are losing our minds.
as an example, i remember December, 1985, on winter school holiday, as a time of staying up late watching television. in my memory, a few years afterwards, i saw the film, Night Shift, on a Thursday night but also that it was New Year's Eve. now New Year's Eve, 1985, was a Tuesday so Thursday is perhaps a false memory. now for a long time right up to today, i thought i had seen the movie on a Thursday and therefore not on New Year's Eve, but having just discovered TV Tango's website and checking the listings for December 31, 1985 confirms that it was on CBS that day though of course this record may be false as everyone is confused. i thought for years that i had conflated two memories, and before that, that i had seen the movie on New Year's Eve and that December 31, 1985 was a Thursday. now one avenue of thought is that actually yes it was and somehow the calendar had changed after that but that is unlikely as i remember that August 27, 1986 was definitely a Wednesday and assuming the calendar hadn't changed between the two dates and that TV Tango is correct, December 31, 1985 was definitely a Tuesday and i saw Night Shift that night. where did the memory of Thursday come from? i did also have the vague memory that New Year's Day was Wednesday at the same time as thinking i saw the film on Thursday, so pretty confused there.
my dream life has some continuity as well, like a parallel world where i have a different history with the dream versions of people in waking life and in that they often happen in dream versions of places like schools i went to or old homes i lived in. it happened where i realized i was in a dream but struggled to remember whether such things had happened in waking life with people i knew. what i conclude from this is that memory is very bad in dreams, false memories are ever present, which explains why we remember so little of what happened before our lives on earth. that i was born into earth, this world, means that i had an amnesiac break from what went before, my previous life, perhaps i was asleep for days, if not months, dreaming and eventually captured and propelled by my dreams of earth into earth.
so i've muddled days and confused memories or that things had happened slightly differently or that the order was hard to determine, but most disturbingly, have i memories of events that never happened at all but which i have vivid details of in my mind? well, hopefully not, and nothing stands out.
what about when we cannot remember something, like a name, but obviously we have not forgotten entirely because when we check or ask someone, we instantly recognize that as the thing forgotten? there is some residual memory that exists even though we cannot bring it into conscious thought. how does this recognition work? i think it is something like an incomplete electrical circuit and when we introduce the missing element, the current flows and we recognize. now i digress, if the theory of eternal return of time were somewhat true, wouldn't we have a buildup of residue that got bigger and bigger with each repeat of events, that we might predict the future accurately? i don't think we do. and residue must exist, perhaps some of it's ancient, for some things feel familiar to us, without us being able to explain why.
what about the start of time? let us assume our minds always existed, predating earth. it is easy to think, because we don't think we can remember what happened before our lives on earth, that perhaps it is a solipsistic nightmare and that earth began when we were born. what do i remember of the first day? when i think about it, i imagine a scene of the ground covered with pebbles and stones, a reddish brown colour, not much visibility, there was fog, walking forwards slowly, looking around, seeing trees, and alone at first. now presumably, the first day was a shocking time and thus more easily remembered than any other day.
CLEARCHARGE
of course, ideally, we'd like memory, what there is of it, to be true, but inevitably some of it is false, perhaps only a little part even, but that is enough to make us uneasy, if not question whether we are losing our minds.
as an example, i remember December, 1985, on winter school holiday, as a time of staying up late watching television. in my memory, a few years afterwards, i saw the film, Night Shift, on a Thursday night but also that it was New Year's Eve. now New Year's Eve, 1985, was a Tuesday so Thursday is perhaps a false memory. now for a long time right up to today, i thought i had seen the movie on a Thursday and therefore not on New Year's Eve, but having just discovered TV Tango's website and checking the listings for December 31, 1985 confirms that it was on CBS that day though of course this record may be false as everyone is confused. i thought for years that i had conflated two memories, and before that, that i had seen the movie on New Year's Eve and that December 31, 1985 was a Thursday. now one avenue of thought is that actually yes it was and somehow the calendar had changed after that but that is unlikely as i remember that August 27, 1986 was definitely a Wednesday and assuming the calendar hadn't changed between the two dates and that TV Tango is correct, December 31, 1985 was definitely a Tuesday and i saw Night Shift that night. where did the memory of Thursday come from? i did also have the vague memory that New Year's Day was Wednesday at the same time as thinking i saw the film on Thursday, so pretty confused there.
my dream life has some continuity as well, like a parallel world where i have a different history with the dream versions of people in waking life and in that they often happen in dream versions of places like schools i went to or old homes i lived in. it happened where i realized i was in a dream but struggled to remember whether such things had happened in waking life with people i knew. what i conclude from this is that memory is very bad in dreams, false memories are ever present, which explains why we remember so little of what happened before our lives on earth. that i was born into earth, this world, means that i had an amnesiac break from what went before, my previous life, perhaps i was asleep for days, if not months, dreaming and eventually captured and propelled by my dreams of earth into earth.
so i've muddled days and confused memories or that things had happened slightly differently or that the order was hard to determine, but most disturbingly, have i memories of events that never happened at all but which i have vivid details of in my mind? well, hopefully not, and nothing stands out.
what about when we cannot remember something, like a name, but obviously we have not forgotten entirely because when we check or ask someone, we instantly recognize that as the thing forgotten? there is some residual memory that exists even though we cannot bring it into conscious thought. how does this recognition work? i think it is something like an incomplete electrical circuit and when we introduce the missing element, the current flows and we recognize. now i digress, if the theory of eternal return of time were somewhat true, wouldn't we have a buildup of residue that got bigger and bigger with each repeat of events, that we might predict the future accurately? i don't think we do. and residue must exist, perhaps some of it's ancient, for some things feel familiar to us, without us being able to explain why.
what about the start of time? let us assume our minds always existed, predating earth. it is easy to think, because we don't think we can remember what happened before our lives on earth, that perhaps it is a solipsistic nightmare and that earth began when we were born. what do i remember of the first day? when i think about it, i imagine a scene of the ground covered with pebbles and stones, a reddish brown colour, not much visibility, there was fog, walking forwards slowly, looking around, seeing trees, and alone at first. now presumably, the first day was a shocking time and thus more easily remembered than any other day.
CLEARCHARGE
Sunday, May 20, 2012
A Motion in Time
a motion in time:
the mind is an excitable creature and easily led by its own interests and concerns. when a lot happens, our senses force many changes in our consciousness. we are caught up in the moment. our minds are almost distorted by events, though these do not have a lasting effect on our consciousness, for like an elastic band, they revert to what they once were, or like sand castles by the sea, the tide washes them away, and our minds forget.
things could be divided into those that are volatile, like the life of our minds, where much happens, and those that are not, where very little happens. if everything could be represented visually and we could sit in a control room where everything was shown on a bank of screens, we might see such a difference, one mind's thoughts, the words and images on one screen, the passing of the day on another, perhaps a still image on yet another, which never changes.
memory and the future both relate to our emotions. when we are emotional we may remember things better. it is a motion in time, if you like, that is captured. and our emotions ensure that certain things must happen, things that we want, and that certain things never happen, things that we fear or hate. in the belief that the mind is eternal, that it always did and always will exist, the question of the start of time and our memory of it emerges. when there are many things unknown to us, we become nervous or even scared. on the first day, we knew very little, therefore logically, the day was one of great fear and emotion, so we should remember something of it.
CLEARCHARGE
the mind is an excitable creature and easily led by its own interests and concerns. when a lot happens, our senses force many changes in our consciousness. we are caught up in the moment. our minds are almost distorted by events, though these do not have a lasting effect on our consciousness, for like an elastic band, they revert to what they once were, or like sand castles by the sea, the tide washes them away, and our minds forget.
things could be divided into those that are volatile, like the life of our minds, where much happens, and those that are not, where very little happens. if everything could be represented visually and we could sit in a control room where everything was shown on a bank of screens, we might see such a difference, one mind's thoughts, the words and images on one screen, the passing of the day on another, perhaps a still image on yet another, which never changes.
memory and the future both relate to our emotions. when we are emotional we may remember things better. it is a motion in time, if you like, that is captured. and our emotions ensure that certain things must happen, things that we want, and that certain things never happen, things that we fear or hate. in the belief that the mind is eternal, that it always did and always will exist, the question of the start of time and our memory of it emerges. when there are many things unknown to us, we become nervous or even scared. on the first day, we knew very little, therefore logically, the day was one of great fear and emotion, so we should remember something of it.
CLEARCHARGE
Monday, November 14, 2011
The Litter of Memory
the litter of memory:
he sometimes worried about his memory. it was almost as if he was losing his mind, though surely it wasn't that serious, all things considered. he was still alive and well and the past had been successfully navigated, true!
often, he wondered if separate events had occurred on the same day or different days, for he couldn't be sure, perhaps his mind had conflated different memories. he didn't keep a diary and the fog of the past prevented any clear evidence of what had happened and when. in a reductive frame of mind, he reasoned that yes, these things had actually taken place but hopefully the sequence and date stamp were not that important.
why he remembered some events, and not others, he didn't know. seemingly insignificant things stuck in his mind and sometimes details of important events were not so well kept. why was this so?
what he was most concerned about were false memories. did some things really happen? were they in a dream? a memory is like an indent made, could time mutate it to something else entirely, a falsity believed to be true? it was truly most perplexing.
CLEARCHARGE
he sometimes worried about his memory. it was almost as if he was losing his mind, though surely it wasn't that serious, all things considered. he was still alive and well and the past had been successfully navigated, true!
often, he wondered if separate events had occurred on the same day or different days, for he couldn't be sure, perhaps his mind had conflated different memories. he didn't keep a diary and the fog of the past prevented any clear evidence of what had happened and when. in a reductive frame of mind, he reasoned that yes, these things had actually taken place but hopefully the sequence and date stamp were not that important.
why he remembered some events, and not others, he didn't know. seemingly insignificant things stuck in his mind and sometimes details of important events were not so well kept. why was this so?
what he was most concerned about were false memories. did some things really happen? were they in a dream? a memory is like an indent made, could time mutate it to something else entirely, a falsity believed to be true? it was truly most perplexing.
CLEARCHARGE
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Before the Storm
before the storm:
....and so the last day of term came. he went to her room and exchanged addresses with the girl he had just come to know. it was a relief he had passed all his exams this year, there would be no awkward explaining to his father he had failed like the previous year. she was going abroad for her third year to study the language there. he thought he would never see her again, as he was only on a three year course.
he spent the summer with his sister in Montreal. she was four years older and working already. it was a happy summer. he had never visited Montreal before, or Canada even, and he liked it very much. by the time he returned, he had started to dread the beginning of the academic year, and the idyllic time before the emotional storm, which was about to come, was over.
CLEARCHARGE
....and so the last day of term came. he went to her room and exchanged addresses with the girl he had just come to know. it was a relief he had passed all his exams this year, there would be no awkward explaining to his father he had failed like the previous year. she was going abroad for her third year to study the language there. he thought he would never see her again, as he was only on a three year course.
he spent the summer with his sister in Montreal. she was four years older and working already. it was a happy summer. he had never visited Montreal before, or Canada even, and he liked it very much. by the time he returned, he had started to dread the beginning of the academic year, and the idyllic time before the emotional storm, which was about to come, was over.
CLEARCHARGE
Thursday, October 6, 2011
The Heightened Past
the heightened past:
it was the second year at university. he had moved to a new dorm. by summer he had started running into this girl who lived on the same floor pretty often. she would pass by and smile. at the time he was on the pizza diet, partly because pizza is delicious, partly because it was cheap but mainly, to avoid the dining hall. the first time she spoke to him it was time for dinner. he had just got back from the pizza place, only ten minutes walk from the dorm, carrying a box of pizza. she was coming down the stairs as he was going up. presumably she was going to the dining hall to eat with her friends. she smiled at him and said, "pizza again!"
but soon most of the summer term had passed and the exams were over with. there was no more studying to be done and the time was free.
one day, a few days before the end of term, he had gone to the kitchen to get something from the refrigerator and there she was. she was chatty and showed an interest in his life and they talked about waiting for exam results. she had a boyfriend, a big family, and an interest in linguistics.
she was someone he remembered quite clearly. at a time when he felt a huge isolation from others, she seemed friendly. she seemed a happy person. upon later reflection, perhaps many felt the same despair he did. there were so many differences on display, people too busy with their own lives, failing to find common ground.
CLEARCHARGE
it was the second year at university. he had moved to a new dorm. by summer he had started running into this girl who lived on the same floor pretty often. she would pass by and smile. at the time he was on the pizza diet, partly because pizza is delicious, partly because it was cheap but mainly, to avoid the dining hall. the first time she spoke to him it was time for dinner. he had just got back from the pizza place, only ten minutes walk from the dorm, carrying a box of pizza. she was coming down the stairs as he was going up. presumably she was going to the dining hall to eat with her friends. she smiled at him and said, "pizza again!"
but soon most of the summer term had passed and the exams were over with. there was no more studying to be done and the time was free.
one day, a few days before the end of term, he had gone to the kitchen to get something from the refrigerator and there she was. she was chatty and showed an interest in his life and they talked about waiting for exam results. she had a boyfriend, a big family, and an interest in linguistics.
she was someone he remembered quite clearly. at a time when he felt a huge isolation from others, she seemed friendly. she seemed a happy person. upon later reflection, perhaps many felt the same despair he did. there were so many differences on display, people too busy with their own lives, failing to find common ground.
CLEARCHARGE
Friday, March 11, 2011
The Memory Trail
the memory trail:
what is memory? a coded pattern that seems like a design? a recording?
passing through life, generating waves, these do not settle immediately. they shadow the present.
easily recoverable memory of the past depends on matching like with like, that which suits together.
CLEARCHARGE
what is memory? a coded pattern that seems like a design? a recording?
passing through life, generating waves, these do not settle immediately. they shadow the present.
easily recoverable memory of the past depends on matching like with like, that which suits together.
CLEARCHARGE
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Catch a Word, A Spell
catch a word, a spell:
what was i thinking at the time? what words were in my head?
a token to remember an event
a memory of importance
word a spell, how to spell?
CLEARCHARGE
what was i thinking at the time? what words were in my head?
a token to remember an event
a memory of importance
word a spell, how to spell?
CLEARCHARGE
Sunday, June 6, 2010
To a Private Corner
to a private corner:
well it happened and then....
the chatter, the speech, the glances astray, the concerted stare
am i missing something?
as someone said once so i believed
the doubt went away
the matters ceased
what became of the person?
of my life in this frame
i cannot budge
i cannot deny that what passed
rooted to the spot
perception swells may memory become whole
CLEARCHARGE
well it happened and then....
the chatter, the speech, the glances astray, the concerted stare
am i missing something?
as someone said once so i believed
the doubt went away
the matters ceased
what became of the person?
of my life in this frame
i cannot budge
i cannot deny that what passed
rooted to the spot
perception swells may memory become whole
CLEARCHARGE
Saturday, April 24, 2010
In the Mean Time
in the mean time:
all these things going on, the scene before me, the voices, the noise, the people....
am i pressed for time? i still have time.
there it is, it delivers an urgency to my life....
needs, want, intention.
further on, in the future, this will only pale. a willowy image, a few words remembered. an experience to be treasured? perhaps.
what was there then, lurking in the shadows of my mind, will burst into life one day.
am i prepared?
CLEARCHARGE
all these things going on, the scene before me, the voices, the noise, the people....
am i pressed for time? i still have time.
there it is, it delivers an urgency to my life....
needs, want, intention.
further on, in the future, this will only pale. a willowy image, a few words remembered. an experience to be treasured? perhaps.
what was there then, lurking in the shadows of my mind, will burst into life one day.
am i prepared?
CLEARCHARGE
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